20160608

What I wish I could tell myself

Today, I did my assigned articles as well as post pending reviews for Zomato. I also took photos and am planning to go to the gym later. This blog post is just me trying to put off my workout lol. No... Well... Yes. I just had oatmeal and am just waiting for it to settle in my stomach, and it's been almost a week and a half since I blogged, so...


Sometimes, I like to pretend I float out of my body and morph into another person just to take a good look at my body in someone else's perspective. Depending on my mood, it either gives me a confidence boost or puts me in a state of confusion. Luckily, I feel the former as I let myself go and change my eyes to see the person I really am, flaws and whatnot.

These are the things I wish I could tell Issa if only I weren't her.


There's something about your eyes that make me feel as if you were always sad or worried about something. The way it crinkles and slides downwards just like how your mouth forms a pout when you don't get what you want. They are uneven, with one being smaller than the other, sort of showing Chinese blood that people ask about. No matter, I wish they weren't hidden beneath the thick glasses you wear, because you look way better without it.

Your nose isn't as sharp as your tongue, nor is it the most pointed, but it isn't flat and is the perfect shape of a button. Sometimes a tomato, if you wear the right (or should I say wrong?) sunglasses. I like it.

Your mouth is a curve that is usually upside down. Why? Has it become a reflex for you to always look as if the whole weight has been put on your shoulders? Rarely do I see you genuinely smile or laugh anymore, and I wish I did, because that set of teeth, though not the whitest or shiniest, still makes others smile as well. Your buck teeth and gummy smile may make you feel uncomfortable to show around others, but it's what makes you Issa.

Your fingers are long and bony, as well as the back of your hand. I feel like I see a skeleton when I touch it, circling your wrists again and again to make sure my middle finger overlaps the thumb. Will they snap off if I crush it too hard?

Your collarbones start to show, to the point that I can almost see your shoulder blades that follow down to your ribs and hipbones as you feel and knock on all the hard places as if they were wood that gave you luck and happiness.

Issa, your body is broken and needs to heal, despite of the many times you've said that you are a unicorn, you are not. You are someone who has a 24 hour limit that needs to rest in 8 of them. Don't put off your rest. It's okay to call one rest day, it's okay to call two. It's okay to eat even if you haven't moved at all the whole day.

You have accomplished a lot of great things in your life, even though you call yourself a quitter. You've contributed so many things to others that I wish you could give to yourself. But I wish you could also give the love and care you give to others to mama and papa as well.

I like the way you scrunch your nose when you think too hard, or when you stick out your tongue if you can't say anything else. I like the way you awkwardly mumble and how you can't make eye contact when telling stories. I like the fact that you can sleep anywhere with no discomfort, and that you prefer to squish into places and receive hugs rather than push people away. You have the weirdest thoughts, and it's just so amusing to know that there's someone out there who has the wildest imagination but refuses to let it out.

But:

I don't like how you snap at others like the rubber bands you keep around your wrists, the way your get irritated easily, as if everyone is meant to know what they're supposed to do or say. I hate the fact that you know your flaws but refuse to act on them, making sure that your pride is prioritized over fixing the situation. You are not superior. No one is. You stare in blank spaces thinking that silence will fix everything, being patient and waiting on people to go to you, impatient when they don't.

You think about the future too much that you end up thinking about tomorrow rather than what's happening now, and that makes you so distant and uneasy to reach. I still wonder why you refuse to live now and always worry for what's to come next. But no matter how much you plan, realize that you will never know what's next in the next minute, next hour, next year, or next decade. Be spontaneous for once and do it twice. 

I feel like you are balancing on a tightrope that will inevitably snap. I actually think it did snap and that you are already falling slowly down a deep abyss that heads to no particular direction. But I'm glad you cried for help, that you are ready to reach for anything to hold on to, and though you are in total darkness now, I am glad that you are ready to climb up back to Earth and find that balance again.

You work your but off for yourself, making sure you have it saved for tomorrow, the next day, the next... Just like the calories you bank, the money is saved but never used. You don't live in the moment, worrying about later, worrying about the future, trying to mend what hasn't even happened yet. You once opened up that your mind is an influx of jumbled words and numbers, a puzzle that needs to be solved and put into piece before you are able to function 'normally' again. What do you see in the numbers that no one does? Do you see a number when you look at food? Do you see numbers when you stare straight into confused eyes? Do you see numbers as people pass by, figuring out their BMI, wondering how much they weigh, what they eat, what they do?

Stop.

I go back into the body that isn't mine, with thoughts of times and numbers pouring into my head. I fight it with words that start to distract me from thinking of the consequences of the things I eat and do, typing every single word without stopping, making sure that there's nothing else in mind other than where you are now. Numbers numbers numbers do not matter but they do and the ambivalence I have towards recovery and food and control is what's stopping me from realizing who I am. Who is Issa and what is she under skin and blood and heart and soul? Just an influx of numbers and words, questions that remain unanswered lest I take on new light and move forward by staying in one place, thinking about now rather than tomorrow.

I'll try.

---

I got back from the gym and hey! I increased by 10 lbs and hopefully get to increase the weights next week. But that means I need to eat more sigh

Anywaaaaaaay, I'm a bit more positive now, both in body and in mind. While I do teeter back and forth towards eating (I had a pretty bad week of overeating with friends and family last week!), I feel great. Not fantastic, but... Accepting.

My thigh gap's disappearing, and while I still feel a bit worried for that moment where my clothes won't fit (They're loose so it'll take a bit of time lol), I need to suck it up and enjoy food for what it is: Delicious and a necessity for energy and survival.

I also passed my entrance exam, so I'm officially a PUPian (again!). Yipee! Also been busy with some other stuff besides writing, so I'm pretty happy about that too. More on that later on, I guess? 

2 comments:

  1. Anonymous8.6.16

    Love the message. We are created beautiful by God but sometimes the things we do who makes us ugly :) di ka mataba . busog ka lang :) -pp

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  2. Anonymous19.8.16

    God bless you Issa. I admire you for your insight and self-awareness. It's ok to not be perfect all the time. Most anorexics according to studies have a perfectionist attitude. But I believe you are doing well at your age. Slow down and enjoy life. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Try to volunteer/help others so that you would spend less time thinking about weight. You are a great writer and a strong person. Just remember that God is sovereign. I came across your blog when I was reading Zomato reviews.

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