20160108

Thoughts to Remember

Studying at 12:02MN - just one of the many photos I've taken of myself at times I want to break down (or already have!)

I am honestly at a point where I've had more emotional breakdowns in a week than what I've had in a year before turning 2nd year. May it be slinking down to my classroom floor and crying shamelessly, or giving everyone a cold shoulder for no reason at all, it's what made me the monster I feel like I am tonight.

My responsibility as an accounting student trying to juggle org duties and family has taken a toll not only on my growing eyebags, but on my mental state as well. Nope, I haven't hit the level where you have to take me to Mandaluyong (yet lol), but the pressure is on and I feel like the person I am and want to be is slowly disappearing and turning into this impatient time bomb that can explode any minute. And it sucks.

Add in makeup classes and meetings and writing and times I actually have a social life - doge believes I can make it though

I'm also at a point where I've started wanting to give up, to drop everything and leave or to at least curl up into a ball and stay there until the end of time. The sleepless nights of feeling like I'm missing something, the numbers and weight games all up in my head, the words in my book starting to jumble up... It's got me thinking of taking alternatives, to just give in and stay at a place where I feel like I'm comfortable in. I've told this to a number of people with no regret or lie in my voice, because I genuinely feel like I'm losing hope and am not even afraid of what will happen if I fall.

But... No. I refuse to give up. I refuse to go back to my comfort zone and believe that that was where I was meant to be. The reason why I am who I am today was solely because I broke my walls and got out of where I thought I was supposed to be. I met new people and experienced new things because I refused to give into the thoughts that tell me I don't deserve the things I have today. I've cried and endured sleepless nights not to hate myself and wallow in self pity, but to succeed and look back at these times as the challenges I had to face to get to where I will be in the future. I am a mess with tears in my eyes and law in mind, but tomorrow I will laugh and reminisce the times I actually thought of giving up.

The things I experience today are challenges that help me improve on myself not just in grades, but as a human being, too. I slowly start to learn about the inevitable pressure we'll soon face in the corporate world, that nothing is spoon fed and that not everything will be given to you on a silver platter. I start to learn that I will not always get my way and have people under my pinky finger, that I have to sort my priorities and know who to trust. And this is not just for accountancy, but life overall.

I always believed that the problems I face revolve around college and my ED, but it isn't only that. It's the lack of self confidence I have in myself that's the true problem, and it's what's making me feel unhappy and undeserving of the love and blessings I've received and continue to receive today. But tonight is the moment I try to break a new set of walls again, to reconstruct and improve the four pillars I've built within me (BSA 2-1 knows this!) and BALANCE it all. Sure, I'll wobble, but I won't fall. I won't let myself fall.

It all boils down to believing in yourself and to push yourself to the limits. Or to just keep pushing yourself until you get to where you want to be. And where I want to be is on stage and receiving my diploma in March 2018 and seeing myself pass the board exams the following year, with God, family and my blockmates right by my side.

And I also want to find the self confidence and happiness I know that's in me today.

I will start to do the things I do not because it pleases people or because I HAVE to, but because I genuinely want to do it and have the passion for it, believing that it will get me to where I want to be. This will mean having to drop people, set my priorities straight and find happiness through the simple things in life, things that don't revolve around the number on my scale or on SIS (though a good number would be great lol).

I will not only do this for the sake of my parents, not for the sake of simply passing, not for the sake of pride or proving people wrong, but for my own sake. This is where I chose to be, (despite the fact of me saying it was my mom who chose it) and I know in my heart that it is for me all along. I have to stick with it not for the money they say I'll be earning in the future, but because I truly want it and wish to succeed, knowing it will make me feel truly happy and fulfilled once I enter a new stage in my life.

The challenge is on and I got this! Let's do this, BSA! ;-)

P.S. I thank my lucky stars that I have God, family, friends, blockmates, orgmates and profs by my side that inspire and motivate me not to give up and made me who I am today. Without any of them,  swear I have no idea what I'd be doing or where I'd be (maybe not breaking down jk) tonight.

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