Choosing a different path

I actually wrote this when I felt sure of my decision, which was a month or two ago.

Everything I feel today is almost the same as what I felt while writing this, except for the fact that I feel a bit more happier and though I still experience some downers, my reactions towards them are more positive now that I accept the support I both need and deserve.

So, yes. I decided to make the big change and transfer. Not only that, but I chose to make the even bigger change and choosing happiness than wallow around in self-pity.

This isn't a goodbye, but more so of a way to explain why.

It’s finally time I get back to writing. I think it’s been a few months, and right now I just feel a bit bad not from guilt, but because I feel like I kind of lost my style of writing?

  Like what I said, it’s been a while since I last updated this blog (or anyone else for the matter) with how I’ve been doing. It feels like I was riding on a roller coaster, blindfolded and not knowing when I’m up and how long I’ll be staying there, only knowing the queasy feeling of dropping thousands of feet at the speed of lightning. December did not fare off well for me, spending weeks filled with stress and tears from college and responsibilities, trying to juggle things I did not want to partake in, counting the numbers in my head and desperately trying to maintain both my sanity and weight. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do either. I spent Christmas Eve alone in the balcony of the house, panicking about the amount I ate. I spent Christmas Day in a place that triggered my frustration and sadness, ruining it for my family. I spent New Year’s Eve counting how long it would take to lose the gained weight. I spent my first day of class crying in the restroom cubicle over the weight gain comments. And I spent the past few weeks desperately trying to disappear.

It wasn’t just my eating disorder that became an issue. I soon realized my triggers, one of them being my course itself. It wasn’t just a subject that made me breakdown almost everyday, but the whole idea of spending another two years doing something I don’t feel is for me. I soon forgot about writing and replaced imaginative words with liabilities and contracts. Technical words soon dominated my mind and soul, leaving me without either, just a broken body ruining my books with tears and trauma.

And then I found out about my opportunities on college. And then I attended seminars on writing. And then I started volunteering. And then I started attending events, going out on my own, going out with my friends, going out with my family. I started putting myself out there and doing the things I have always wanted to do but never thought I could or deserved to do it. I started to pray and talk to God, finding guidance and support through unspoken words and invisible hugs from Him. I started to reach out. And most importantly, I started to go for my dreams.

It took a few months and a LOT of thinking. It took breakdowns, constant questioning, all the advice and words I could take from others from random messages at five in the morning. I subconsciously knew the answer but I just couldn’t accept it. Accounting wasn’t for me and I needed to get out. I needed to take the jump and reach for my true passion. But how can I when I have already spent two years of my life working for it? When I’m only a few weeks away until hopefully passing SQE’s and becoming “immortal”? I thought “Sayang!”, I thought about the people I’ll be leaving, the orgs I won’t be joining, the opportunities I’ll miss out if I were to leave. But was it truly worth sinking into a deeper level of depression, to the point where I may just kill myself not from the knife, but from the numbers in the book?

Money and the judgment of other people were the only reasons why I chose to stay. Reaching my dreams and finding happiness is why I chose to go. I made the decision late February during my first spoken word event. The first speaker screamed out to never wait for tomorrow, the next month, the next minute, the next year. So I decided, it was time to act now or never. And I chose to go.

To leave didn’t mean I was giving up. I don’t want people to see it that way. To leave meant that I was removing what I now know was toxic in my life, and to move on to new opportunities and find where my true passion lies, hopefully finding success and happiness along the way. After all, financial matters are important, but so is my mental state. Accountancy was a fake dream that covered my true passion of writing, a safety net I used just to please my parents and the people around me, for them to see I was strong and perfect. But writing was where I truly felt I belonged, where words could express who I am, where the words flowed and the workload enjoyable. The thought of being a reporter and going out there and sharing the truth, the thought of freelance writing while traveling around the PH (and eventually around the world!), the thought of blogging, vlogging, taking photos and sitting in coffee shops, reviewing restaurants, latest trends and letting words flow in as I listen to BP Valenzuela while enjoying good food and expressive words… That’s where paradise is. But being an accountant even in the highest of positions in the best of companies? It would be financial success, but it unfortunately wasn’t my dream.

I kick myself and regret the course I went into. I scream into my pillow in frustration over why I don’t want accounting and how I shouldn’t get out now. The wasted time, tears and effort I put into only to get out of the course?

But nah. I don’t want to see it that way anymore. The experiences I’ve gone through helped me learn and realize how strong I actually am, that I can overcome so many obstacles. And I’m not just talking about financial accounting or law.

All I know is that my decision, though very very scary, is final and something I definitely look forward to. I have never felt so free and happy since the day I decided to open my life to something new and to leave the triggers. Today, I am more open. Today, I see things in a new light, as cheesy as it sounds. I made new friends, experienced new things, and am now looking into a lot of great opportunities and projects. And I have never felt so alive.

To the people who have made my stay in PUP San Juan the best (or the worst jk), I thank you all. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be who I am today, nor will I be able to learn the things I did throughout these two academic years. My blockmates, my friends, my orgs, my profs and the staff members, you are all the best and I’ll definitely miss your smiles.

To my parents and Inna, thanks for putting up with me no matter how many panic attacks I go through each day, you still have the patience and know how to calm me down. The support you give me each day makes me stronger and makes me believe that I can overcome any obstacle. Your little girl won’t be a CPA, but I promise that I’ll be something great and make you proud all the same.

To God, I cannot thank you enough for the constant guidance and support. I accept you into my heart Lord, and I know You are right here no matter.

BSA 2-1, don’t give up. Seriously. I believe each and every one of you have your own strengths and weaknesses, but use them into molding your dreams into becoming successful CPAs. I wish we could still share accounting problems (not really lol), but just know that I’m always a message away.

Only my parents, my sister and three people officially knew of my final decision. I chose not to tell anyone else so as not to make them worry or try to talk me out of it. I can’t thank them enough for putting up with my constant complaints and questions, for teetering back and forth accountancy and writing, for helping me weigh the pros and cons and for the life advice I’ll treasure until the end. I’m sorry for those I didn’t confide in, as like what I said, I didn’t want you to worry, especially since the months became more hectic and busy. I won’t go through specific details as to what my future holds, but everything’s now planned and set up, no need to worry (This is how long I’ve been thinking and planning guys).

Here’s my update: I’m currently trying to recover from anorexia. I’m still calorie counting but trying to raise my calories to 1,500-2,000 a day in order to maintain. I started walking more. I started writing more and am leaning towards doing the things I’ve always wanted to do, already have plans and errands to do for the month of March to May. So far, so good. There are a lot of more things going on in my life right now and while I don’t feel ultimately happy yet, I do feel happy, which is a good start.

My real dream? To travel. To write. To go out of my comfort zones and do what I want. To be a journalist? A reporter? I'm not sure. But so long as I'm out there and experiencing new things while utilizing my passion for both leisure and work, it both makes me genuinely happy and fulfills the heck out of me in a way where I feel way more successful than I would have felt even if I did manage to pass accountancy, really. I'm feeling better and that's what matters. I try to live today and have plans tomorrow, and I know for sure that though yesterday won't be forgotten, it's put behind me to focus on a new path ahead.

I’m finally removing the blindfold and getting off the roller coaster, heading on to a ride. This isn’t a goodbye. It’s just a beginning of a whole new journey with bumpy paths and an unknown final destination. Thank you all again guys, and wish you luck!